


Slow Starts

by MelyndaR



Series: Don't Fear the Fall [8]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-25
Updated: 2020-01-26
Packaged: 2021-02-19 06:57:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22407085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MelyndaR/pseuds/MelyndaR
Summary: Commander Chakotay shrugged, answering simply, “I’ve seen an anxiety attack before. I’d be a bad commander – in the past, I think I would’ve been a bad captain – if I didn’t try to help my crewmembers with them.”
Relationships: Chakotay & Naomi Wildman, Naomi Wildman & Samantha Wildman, Neelix & Naomi Wildman
Series: Don't Fear the Fall [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1552054
Kudos: 13





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I realized while writing this that I had neglected to ensure that my readers understood this is going to be an AU series starting at the end of "Goodbye," solely because Voyager never finds it's way back to the Alpha Quadrant in the way that it does in the ST:V series finale. In this series, life continues on as usual after Neelix leaves, as Voyager continues to make their far-less-dramatic way back to the Alpha Quadrant following their usual route.

Naomi crawled through the Jeffrey’s tubes on her hands and knees, flipping open a hatch and reaching for the next ladder, trying to even out her breathing all the while. _It was okay. Everything was okay now. Everyone was fine; the worst people had endured in this attack were bumps and bruises, and now the assault on_ Voyager _was over._

Saying the words was easy, believing them was harder when she could still hear the phaser fire echoing in her ears.

Dropping to the bottom of the ladder, Naomi let her back hit the opposite wall of the tube and leaned against it, her hands covering her face as she took a break from the incessant movement, the nonsensical hope to find a peaceful place to recover her fraying nerves. But her peaceful place – the steady hands in which she had always been able to put her anxiety – was gone now, and as he’d been leaving, she hadn’t even considered what it meant for her frequent unease. She needed _Neelix_ , but he was nowhere near _Voyager_ now.

She needed to get out of the Jeffrey’s tubes before she passed out in here, or something equally embarrassing or unsafe, while her comm badge was still attached to her pillow in her bedroom.

That was the one truly productive thought she’d had since the shooting had started, about an hour ago, and though she was loathe to leave the tubes and risk letting the wrong person see her like this, she knew she needed to. So, she returned to her hands and knees and resumed crawling until she came to the first possible exit: not a proper exit hatch, but an air vent.

_ That works _ , she thought, beginning to unscrew the vent’s cover from the inside. She was unsure where exactly she was, having forgotten to keep track of her steps in her panic, but everyone would be at their posts still, which meant that whatever room she was going into was very likely empty right now. She could reattach the vent cover and return to her room with no one becoming any the wiser.

She unscrewed three of the four screws and let the vent cover swing down out of her way before beginning to slide out of the tube.

“What are you doing?!”

Surprised at being snapped at, Naomi landed clumsily on her feet and whirled to face the unknown person with a short scream. Her heart began to race again, and all the work she’d been doing to even out her breathing was unraveled in an instant. She leaned against the wall behind her just to stay upright, nearly hitting her head on the corner of the loose vent cover.

_ Commander Chakotay,  _ her brain supplied. She must’ve gotten turned around in the tubes somewhere without noticing, because she’d managed to end up near the bridge, in the commander’s little-used office. Now the commander’s face was swimming in her vision, his own surprise at seeing her replaced with a worried expression. She reached up and scrubbed her eyes, trying to clear her vision.

“Naomi, hey.” Commander Chakotay took her wrists gently, pulled them away from her face. “Look at me. Focus on me. Breathe with me: in… out.” He took a deep breath, watching her expectantly, and Naomi searched his face, doing her best to focus and do as he’d asked. “In… out.” He nodded encouragingly when she managed a shallow inhale and exhale, a bad mimic of how he was breathing. “Deep and slow now. In… out.”

They stood like that for a minute, just breathing together until Naomi felt her head clear a little and her vision went back to normal.

It wasn’t like having Neelix there to help her through an anxiety attack; the commander didn’t hug her close and have her count to the rhythm of his heartbeats, but she wasn’t sure she would want him to, and it was certainly better than being alone with her own disorganized thoughts. When she finally felt her body unwinding back towards normality, and Commander Chakotay could see her relaxing, he released her wrists, but continued watching her with calm, careful eyes.

Naomi swallowed, then tried to speak, asking, “How… did you know what to do?”

He shrugged, answering simply, “I’ve seen an anxiety attack before. I’d be a bad commander – in the past, I think I would’ve been a bad captain – if I didn’t try to help my crewmembers.”

“But I’m not a part of the crew, not really,” she pointed out.

“Of course you are,” he replied in surprise. “You’re the captain’s assistant.”

“I get her coffee, show our very rare friendly visitors around the ship, and save people steps by ferrying PADDs from one crewmember to another. That’s it. I don’t do anything important.”

A smirk lifted one side of his mouth. “I would like to point out that it’s very important that Captain Janeway gets her coffee.”

“Anyone could do that, though.”

The commander gave her a considering look, pausing before he said, “Naomi, I know you may not understand it, and I’m not sure I can even define it, but you do have a very important position on this ship.”

She barely refrained from rolling her eyes at the second-in-command of the whole place. _Oh, yeah? Then why did she feel so useless every time they were under attack?_

Still, he must’ve seen some of her disgruntled thoughts on her face, because he pursed his lips and moved to sit in his desk chair before he beckoned her over to him. She moved to stand at his side so that they were looking eye to eye as he said, “I know I’m not Neelix, or your mother, and I’ve noticed that you don’t generally like it when the captain or I see you… not at your best, but I do want to help. I know it’s been hard for you without Neelix here, and I think you’re just now starting to realize _how_ hard. Am I right?”

Her irritation calming, Naomi nodded mutely.

“He’s the one who usually helped you when everything became too much for you?”

She nodded again.

“How?”

“He and I would always go to my quarters, to my room, if he could be with me, and if not, he or mom made sure one of the people under my mom came and stayed with me until it was all over. Then Neelix would come get me, we’d go to the mess hall and start cleaning up whatever mess had happened, and, if I could, he made me count. Everything – the knives in the drawers, the number of apples that were supposed to be in the fruit bowl, how many pots were in the cabinet or how many we picked up off the floor.”

“He appealed to the logical side of your brain,” Commander Chakotay remarked. “Instead of the emotional side that had taken over and made you so afraid.”

Naomi nodded, remembering how Neelix, her mom, and the Doctor had all tried to explain the idea of the “sides” of the brain to her before.

“And what about…” the commander hesitated. “When you became like you were once I startled you? When you couldn’t count yet?”

Naomi swallowed, admitting in a small voice, “He just hugged me.” Clearing her throat, she continued in a stronger tone, “I listened to his heartbeat until I could start to count the beats, then that meant that it was time for me to count other things while we started cleaning up.”

“So, you had established a reliable way to deal with it before; that way just depended upon Neelix. Is that what I’m hearing?”

Naomi nodded.

“Well, let’s think of it a different way, then: You’ve found a way to control it before, and you can do it again.”

She smiled tumultuously. “It does sound better when you put it that way.”

The commander watched her for a beat with kind, considering eyes, before he asked suddenly, “How old are you?”

“Five and a half.”

“Which makes you eleven compared to the maturation of purely human children?”

“Almost twelve, and nearly as good as thirteen, according to the Doctor.”

He gave her an amused smirk as he nodded. “Noted. Are you better now?”

“Yes, sir.” Talking, having a normal conversation, had helped her as much as anything.

“Good. I’m glad to hear it. On that subject, give me a couple of days to find a minute to talk to your mom, alright?”

“You…” she worried for a second at her bottom lip, sensing a dismissal and afraid she was overstepping her bounds by continuing to question him. “You think you have a way to help me?”

“Maybe,” he allowed, standing from his chair. “In a way.”

“How?”

Commander Chakotay gathered up the PADDs that had probably been his reason for entering his office in the first place, shepherding her out of his office ahead of him as he said, “I’ll explain _if_ I get your mother’s permission, not before.”


	2. Chapter 2

“Did you get your homework done before dinner like I asked you to?” Ensign Wildman asked, clearing the table of hers and Naomi’s dishes.

“Most of it. I’ve still got to finish the last of my botany homework, but that’s all. It shouldn’t take me long.”

“Good.” Her mom arched an eyebrow at her with a smile as she deposited the dishes in the recycler. “Because Commander Chakotay’s coming over to talk to you.”

“Why?” Naomi asked, stopping halfway to her bedroom and facing her mom instead. “Is it about…” she trailed off, not sure how to word it.

“Facing one’s demons in a post-Neelix world?” Ensign Wildman suggested, trying for levity with a flare of dramatics.

Naomi wrinkled her nose. “Please don’t say it like that; it’s not like he’s dead or anything.”

“Of course not. But I think Commander Chakotay knows of something that might help you. I know it’s helped me.”

“You?” Naomi asked curiously. “You… need help with… anxiety?”

Her mom shrugged dismissively. “Mm—more like _separation_ anxiety, but this is a pretty standard treatment for a lot of things on this ship by now.”

“That doesn’t tell me anything more about what sort of help it _is_ ,” Naomi pointed out.

“I wasn’t planning on telling you what it is,” the ensign replied teasingly. “But you don’t have to worry. You’ll like it. Besides, I told him you could handle it already, and if I’m okay with it, it can’t be bad for you, right?”

Naomi narrowed her eyes at her mother. “You say leola root is good for me, too, though.”

Ensign Wildman snorted in amusement before saying, “Why don’t you bring your homework in here and work on it until the commander gets here.”

Naomi turned again to retrieve her schoolwork, but she only made it a couple more steps before the bell to their quarters chimed. 

“That will be for you,” her mom said before calling, “Come in.”

As expected, Commander Chakotay stood at the entrance, a fur of some kind in one hand.

“Hi, commander,” Naomi greeted him as he stepped into her home.

“Hello, crewman,” he replied kindly, his smile coming far easier than it had a couple days ago. As the door shut behind him, he asked her, “Did your mom tell you she’s given us permission to work on that idea I had for you?”

“Sort of,” Naomi answered. “But she didn’t say what we’d be working on.”

Commander Chakotay grinned at Ensign Wildman over Naomi’s head. “Saving all the fun for me, I suppose.” He gestured to the sofa, requesting, “Let’s sit.”

As Naomi sat beside him, she noticed her mom slip silently into her bedroom, the door closing behind her. Leaving them to whatever this project was in peace.

Her gaze snapped back to the commander, though, when he asked seriously, “Do you think you can keep a secret?”

Instinctively smiling, Naomi nodded.

The commander’s careful smile flitted across his face as he set his fur bundle on the coffee table and said, “I know you’re essentially eleven, nearly twelve, and of course you want to say ‘yes,’ but I need you to consider this seriously. Do you think you can keep your own secret, for just yourself, and tell no one else? Ever? Because I want you to have this available to you, because I think it will help you, but you’re a little young for it.”

“What is ‘it,’ if I can ask, commander?” Naomi inquired carefully.

He unfolded his fur now, revealing a bird’s wing, a rock with a symbol carved onto it, and a device she didn’t recognize. “I want to help you find your animal guide,” he answered simply. “My idea is that it’ll give you someone to ask questions that you can’t puzzle out for yourself… and, frankly, it’ll give you someone to talk to when you’re feeling overwhelmed who’s way you know you’ll never be in, no matter what’s going on around us. Does that sound useful?”

Naomi nodded, but she could tell that he wasn’t done explaining it all yet.

“But there are two things you must never tell anyone about your animal guide: where you go when you meet them, and anything about the animal guide itself. Do you understand?”

“Yes.”

“Do you _really_ think you can do that?”

“Yes, sir.” She met his gaze gravely. “I promise.”

“Okay.” He set out the stone and the device on the coffee table. “Let’s begin, then. Place your hand on the koona here and concentrate on the stone.” Staring intently at the engravings on the stone, she listened jut as keenly to the commander as he continued, “A Cuchi Moya, we are far from the sacred places of our grandfathers, we are far from the bones of our people, but perhaps there is one powerful being who will embrace this girl and give her the answers she seeks. Naomi, allow your eyes to close. Breathe to feel the light in your belly, and let it expand until the light is everywhere. Prepare yourself to leave this room, and this ship, and return to a place where you were the most content and peaceful you have ever been. You can see all around you and hear the sounds of this place.”

The gesture itself, doing as he instructed, was peaceful enough even as anticipation fluttered in Naomi’s stomach, but she felt a moment of disappointment as she opened her eyes. She was in cargo bay two. Which made sense, she supposed, it just wasn’t… exciting.

“Are you there?” Commander Chakotay asked her. 

“I think so, yes.”

“As you look around, you will become aware of other life that shares this place with you. It will be the first animal you see; that is the one you will speak to. Do you see an animal?”

Naomi was ready to shake her head when she heard a fluttering noise above her head. Looking up, she saw a white bird – _a dove?_ – perched on the pipe near the ceiling. So, she answered instead, “Yes, I see one.”

“Then that’s your animal guide, and it’s ready to you, if you’re ready to talk to it,” he informed her, and even though she couldn’t see him, Naomi could hear the smile in the commander’s voice.


	3. Chapter 3

“Hello,” Naomi said to the dove, not sure what else to do, but she felt strange, expecting it to answer.

“Hello,” the bird repeated, blinking at Naomi in a way that might’ve been creepy, if her eyes hadn’t had such a humane quality to them.

“I’m Naomi Wildman.”

“And I am Sitala.”

“How did you get—” she stopped herself from saying “in our cargo bay,” so that the commander wouldn’t hear it, and said instead, “—Up there?”

“I heard you needed help, so I came to you. It’s not so hard, when you don’t think about it so logically.”

“But I’m Starfleet,” Naomi replied, sensing a hint of correction in Sitala’s tone. “I’m supposed to ask questions so that I can better understand the world around me.”

Sitala’s head moved in a sharp bird-nod. “A wise outlook to have on most things at your age, but sometimes, you only need understand that something is more spiritual than it is physical, logical – like animal guides, and a bird that just… appears when you call for it. As you have called for me now. Do you require my assistance, Naomi Wildman?”

“I… don’t know,” Naomi admitted. “I have so many questions. I always have questions. And I’m usually worried about _something_ , but I don’t know how to pick just one thing and start talking.”

Sitala looked at her kindly, saying only, “Pick one thing to ask me – like plucking a cloud down from the sky – and just ask.”

Naomi let her eyes slide closed for a second, picturing herself reaching for a bright blue sky and wrapping her hands around a fluffy white cloud. “Neelix is happy without us, right? With the other Talaxians?”

“That’s not _quite_ the type of question I’m here to answer,” Sitala said, flying down from the ceiling to sit on a shipping container. “But if these are the answers that soothe your worries, then I will tell you that, yes, he is exactly as happy as everyone thought he would be.”

Naomi blinked at Sitala, getting a better look at her now as she thought of her mom’s comments from before the commander had come for the evening. “Is my mom happy?” she asked in a small voice.

“You know you and her job aboard _Voyager_ both make her very happy.”

“But we both stress her out.”

“Does the challenge change the joy in it?” Sitala asked, her head cocking almost too far to the side.

That caught Naomi off-guard. “What?”

“Think of it this way, little one: you adore _Voyager_ ; it’s the only home you’ve ever known, but it’s also a floating target for many unfriendly species in this quadrant, and _that_ causes your anxiety sometimes, yes?”

“Yes.”

“Would you like to live somewhere else, then?”

“No,” Naomi said slowly, shaking her head.

“So… the joys of living amongst the stars with Star Fleet legends and mentors outweighs the worries that come from living on a starship?”

“Yes,” Naomi nodded decisively, understanding dawning when it came to what Sitala meant for her.

Then the dove added, “So, for your mother, the joys of her daughter and her job outweigh the worries over… her daughter and her job?”

A careful smile tilted at the edge of her mouth. “I’d like to think so, yeah.”

“Then there’s that question answered.”

“One down, so many more to go,” Naomi said with a grin at her new friend.

Strangely, Sitala smiled back at her. “What’s next, little one?”

* * *

“Naomi…” Commander Chakotay’s coaxing voice almost startled Naomi when it filtered into her dreamworld cargo bay. Her eyes snapped open, and instantly she was back in her own quarters, sitting on the sofa with the commander. “You’ve been with your animal guide for some time,” he explained, almost apologetically. “I’m afraid I’m going to have to go soon.”

“Oh. Okay.” She sat back on the couch, her back aching a little where she’d been leaning towards the koona for so long.

“There’s a few more things you need to know before I go, though,” the commander said, sitting back on the couch, too. “For one thing, I know your mom has replicated her own koona, like most crewmembers have by now, and I’m sure you can share that, but you’ll need your own medicine bundle. It doesn’t have to be big, just a couple of things: a connection to the animal world, and something to focus on while going into your trances.”

“Okay.” Naomi nodded, mind already wandering to what she could use.

“And I have a second idea entirely for something that we could use to boost your self-confidence, crewman.”

He smiled so mischievously that it almost made Naomi nervous. She felt she didn’t have a good grasp on animal guides yet, and he already wanted to move onto something else? “What is it?”

He hummed. “Let’s call it… cultural studies homework.”

She looked at him suspiciously. “Are you going to tell me more about it than that?”

“No, not really,” he stood now, still grinning teasingly at her. “But I will ask that you meet me in the holodeck at 0800 hours tomorrow morning, wearing something you won’t mind getting dirty.”

Naomi stood, too. “Aye, sir. And thank you for showing me…” she gestured to the things he was wrapping back up into his medicine bundle. “All of this.”

“I’m glad to,” he said cheerfully as she walked him to the door. “I’ll see you tomorrow. 0800, sharp.”

“I’ll be there,” she promised. _For curiosity’s sake now, if nothing else._

* * *

Naomi arrived at the holodeck five minutes early the next morning, but Commander Chakotay was still already waiting for her. “Good morning,” she greeted cheerfully.

“Good morning,” he repeated in kind, asking her, “Are you ready for a pre-school workout?”

“Workout?” she asked dubiously.

“It’s a special kind of workout, don’t worry, and we won’t do too much with it this morning. I just want to introduce you to the concept.” He turned to the console, starting one of his boxing programs before he gestured for her to enter the holodeck ahead of her.

“I don’t know anything about boxing,” she informed him, entering the program and looking around the unfamiliar gym.

“Then I guess it’s a good thing we’re not doing that today,” he said glibly. “Though I could try to teach you, if you wanted.”

“No, thank you.”

“I didn’t think so.” It sounded like he turned a chuckle into a cough, and when Naomi turned to look at him, he held out one of two sticks that had been leaning against the entrance to the holodeck. “Although, I doubt you know much about what we will be working with today.”

Naomi arched her eyebrows but accepted the offering. “A stick?”

Commander Chakotay nodded, gesturing for her to follow as he stepped into the boxing ring. “Today we have sticks, yes. Soon, I hope to have something else for us to use, but today, sticks.”

“What are they for?”

“I’ve heard that you’ve been doing more research into Ktarians, is that true?”

Naomi nodded. “For a while, yeah.”

“Have you run across any mentions of Ktarian spears?”

Naomi nodded. “Ktarians never invested much research into… bulking up traditional weapons arrays, so when you look for traditional Ktarian weapons, you get really old-fashioned items like modified spears and swords, and then it becomes mind games like the ones records show were used on Kirk.”

“Very good.” Commander Chakotay nodded his approval. “Instead of spears, today we have sticks, but I thought we could get by with managing to stay with the spirit of things for now. What do you think?”

Naomi looked at the stick in her hands, then back up at the commander, checking, “You want _me_ to fight _you_ with… this stick?”

He shrugged. “Humor me? I don’t necessarily want you to fight me today, right now, this time. I want you to get a feel for having it in your hands, for how it moves, and for being able to move with it.”

“Why?”

He propped one end of the stick on the floor, leaning into it. “What do you mean? ‘Why’ what?”

“Why do you want me to learn how to do this?”

“I think it could help a few different ways. For one, I think it would be… interesting for you to know how to use a Ktarian weapon, don’t you?”

“Okay,” Naomi said slowly, still thinking through it. “Why else?”

“Because, if I’m right, these anxiety attacks make you feel… powerless, don’t they?” She nodded. “The feeling of having a weapon in hand and knowing how to use it? Take it from me, that feeling is the opposite of powerlessness.”

“So… powerful?”

Now the commander did chuckle. “Exactly. That’s what I want you to get from this – to realize that you can be powerful, and, if things ever get very bad aboard, with some training, you could be very useful. Does that make sense?”

“A little,” Naomi agreed, still running her hands along the stick she held.

“If it makes you feel any better, we would’ve eventually given you hand-to-hand training anyway, as part of your future cadet courses, this is just a head start to some of it.”

“Well, when you put it that way,” she looked down at the stick again before twirling it in her hands. She felt unreasonably proud of herself when she didn’t drop it. Already she could feel a tentative confidence piquing. “Where do we start?”


End file.
